Originally written on 12/15/08...and I've waited a year...and nothing has changed. It's time to be posted.

The second coming of High Fidelity has arrived in the form of Rob Sheffield's "Love is a mix tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time.

The reason, well, not reason, but the thing that has aided me staying up for the past couple of days (and Narnia). Amazingness.

Other amazingness in my life? iTunes Genius. If I weren't so tired and lazy, I would find at least three posts where I bitch about the fact that iTunes doesn't have a conscience when playing my music, and how you cannot, I repeat, cannot play Death Cab for Cutie or Dashboard Confessional after Hanson's "Mmm bop." So, now there's this nifty iTunes Genius where I can, with one click, find my current mood song, and have iTunes magically make a 20-to-100 song playlist that I will hardly have to change. Another good part, I can click another time and find new music! And then click just once more and buy it! Amazingness, I tell you!

I got really sad today. No, it wasn't my grades/school this time. I was wrapping my friend Lindsay's Christmas gift, really sloppily and remembering how much time I used to put into wrapping gifts. Especially Randy's gift. I would package things up, put bows with curlies around everything (not to make them harder to open, but because it was pretty) and then I would get a huge box, and line it with tissue paper, and then I could place it all in perfectly, sprinkle candy around it, and then wrap the whole box. I used to love wrapping presents. I was so excited to see how it looked under the tree, and then his face.

I was sad because I remembered that this was going to be the first time I didn't get to put so much thought, time, and effort into a gift for someone I cared so much about. The first time I realized this, I was in Kohl's with Lindsay and I literally thought I would be sick. It hadn't hit me until just then, just before Thanksgiving that I wouldn't be shopping for a significant other this year.

I should probably wait for the rest of this post. But I am absolutely not tired, and Batman and Robin is on...so I'm not sleeping anytime soon.

I loved him. I loved him more than I loved anyone. Ever. It was my first love. (Yes, that cheesy "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart" Brittney Spears song did just pop in my head.) Then, it all fell apart. At the time, I was so sick of thinking and analyzing it, I was relieved when it ended. Not happy. Who is ever happy when that happens? Then I moved on to being content single. Then I moved on to being happy (this summer). Then I realized it was time to move on. That was hard. Even after we broke up we hung out some. Like it wasn't over. Except for the other girl, that is. And then this summer I finally had a crush on someone different. It caught me off guard. But I was ok with it. And then, maybe two weekends before Thanksgiving, I realized he wouldn't be at Thanksgiving, I wouldn't be at his. I wouldn't have anyone to go window shopping with, and remember the tiny things no one catches to get him. And, it's not really him now, it's "him." There is no call to wait for when I have to go to my parents house and be bored out of my mind. There's no one to really look forward to seeing. The summer thing ended quickly (He spoke, I realized he was just pretty to look at). Now, there's someone I like, and I'm figuring that situation out. But nothing compares to being smack in the middle of (I have to say it) love with someone. That comfort is completely gone. I have fantastic friends who attempt to make me feel better and cuddle with me, but they don't love me the way it's missing.

I made plans with Lindsay for New Year's Eve tonight. Sleeping really late, dinner at Doc Chey's, and bar hopping. This will be my first New Year with alcohol! We're inviting everyone who wants to come, but we know we can have a blast by ourselves.

Rob Sheffield pointed out a new makeout song, Prince's "Adorn." Of course, I youtubed it ASAP and fell in love. I love being introduced to new music.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm thinking of not posting this post. Earlier this week...security was compromised. In the best way possible, however.

"All of the words
In all of my life
That could never explain
and never describe
All of my love
Which is nothing to hide
So a lift up my hands
and I worship"

We all know I'm not churchy. But I love this song.

And this one: