"What came first? The sad song, or the misery?"

My grandfather died.

He died in November. I think. I got the call really early in the morning, like 3 am. I was awake, but it really caught me off guard. I know it was sometime after Halloween, because I had to miss the party that weekend. I got the call early on a Friday. I went home but I didn't tell any of my friends. I felt weird, like, embarrassed or something. It was such an odd time, I had no idea how to handle it, or even how to go about faking handling it.

And I am dating a guy named Randy right now. Sort of. We've been dating for a long time, but I don't want to anymore. I don't know why.

I can't remember if this was going on before or after grandfather died. I just remember being really annoyed with Randy all the time, and at the memorial service I wanted to shoot him. But not because I was so upset, because I didn't want him to be there for me. I didn't know what was going on. This was the first person who had ever died in my family, and it was my first funeral.

I'm reading this book right now, High Fidelity, which I think explains my situation and feelings perfectly.

"What happened to me during the funeral was something like this: I saw, for the first time, how scared I am of dying and of other people dying, and how this fear has prevented me from doing all sorts of things, like giving up smoking (because if you take death too seriously or not seriously enough, as I have been doing up till now, then what's the point?), and thinking about my life, especially my job, in a way that contains a concept of the future (too scary, because the future ends in death). But most of all it has prevented me from sticking with a relationship, because if you stick with a relationship, and your life becomes dependent on that person's life, and then they die, as they are bound to do, unless there are exceptional circumstances, e.g., they are a character from a science-fiction novel...well, you're up the creek without a paddle, aren't you? It's OK if I die first, I guess, but having to die before someone else dies isn't a necessity that cheers me up much: how do I know when she's going to die? Could be run over by a bus tomorrow, as the saying goes, which means I have to throw myself under a bus today."

This book is me, in 15 years, if I'm not careful. However, this book does have a happy ending..so maybe it's not all that bad.

The bold part, I had a friend, Matt Paris, really a friend of Randy's, but I knew him too. Anyway, he was dating this girl named Lauren (she's goooooooorgous, and sooo nice!), anyway. He broke up with her last year for that same reason. And I didn't get it then, but I get it now. Not really because I think that's the position I'm in now, but because I just get it. I thought he was crazy back then. I mean, I knew her, I knew how great she was, and what a dummy he could be, and I couldn't believe he let that go. But now I know...sometimes it happens.

I don't know if I fell out of love. I know that I was, for a time, actually in love, and that makes me feel much better about my life. Like, it's not all been wasted, because some people never find it, but I don't know what to do now.

I guess Randy and I are kind of still dating, I mean..he pays for dinner sometimes, and we make plans to go to parties together, but I think it stops there.

I just don't know. I was really happy at some point, I know that. But now...I'm not. And I don't know how to end it, I've never had to do that before. And we go to the same school, and we know all the same people, and we eat lunch together. And it seems really shallow? is that the word? Anyway, it seems like just a big inconvenience to break up, because I'll get the looks. I swear I'm not meaning this in a selfish way, althought I know that's how it's coming out. It's just, like. I want the normal, fun, enjoyable college years, and this is just one more thing that makes it weird and not enjoyable.

I don't know how this happened. And I thought I was ok with it, but I just don't know anymore.

Ohh yeah, there's another part.

There's this other guy. This isn't the reason my feelings for Randy stopped. And I know this. I can't explain it, and I'm not just saying it because someone's going to read this, and I don't want anyone to think of me differently. I just know it.

Anyway, he's nice. But he's kind of flaky. I really like him, and he's told me, in a round about way, that he likes me. But it bothers me that first, he hasn't actually come out and said that he likes me back, and two, it's really flaky. I try to make plans with him, nothing. The day before I came back to school from Christmas, we were supposed to hang out. And it didn't happen. And the same things happened with Randy in the beginning, and I just think that if this actually goes somewhere, in two and a half more years, I'll be writing this same thing down, (only, hopefully, no one will have died this time). And I don't know if I can make that plunge again. I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and at the age of 20, this isn't such a good thing.

So, this was the way for me to get this stuff off of my chest. It's been bottled up for faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar too long. And it's one of those things where, if I would have written this down on paper, and burned it, it wouldn't matter because it's out now. Only, out there for the whole world to see.

Listen to the song "Ghost" by Howie Day.

I got tagggggged!

You can only type 3 words // Not as easy as you may think.

1. Your full name?
Courtney Lynn Council

2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
questionable, right now.

3. Your hair?
brown and long

4. Your sister(s)?
zero

5. Your brother(s)?
One, Corey

6. Your favorite thing?
FRIENDS!

7. Your dream last night?
not going there

8. Your favorite drink?
Water

9.Your dream car?
Range Rover, baby!

10. The room you're in?
My dorm room.

11. Your ex?
not sure now.

12. Your fear?
failure, no love

14. Where were you last night?
reading, my room

15. What you're not right now?
Doing my homework.

16. Muffins?
Blueberry

17. One of your wish list items?
Black MacBook

18. Where you grew up?
Mount Airy, NC

19. The last thing you did?
watched t.v.

20. What are you wearing?
sweatpants, t-shirt

21. Your TV?
Sex &the city

22.Your pet or pets?
none right now

23. Your computer?
Needs selling

24. Your Life?
school, missing home

25.Your Mood?
DIE CORPORATE FINANCE!

26. Missing someone?
my FRIENDS

28. Your car?
Tan 96 Maxima (YOU GOT A CAR!?!!?)

29. Your work?
Office Assistant, student

31. Like someone?
Indeed

32. Your favorite color?
Teal

33. When is the last time you laughed?
one hour ago

34. Tag some people
Kathryn, STEVEN!!

This song leaves me speechless..

This song is in my top five greatest songs of all time.

Remember, Remember the Fifth of November

OK, this isn't the Legos video..but it's funnny. Not even the drunk part, the way they combine the songs. Watch the WHOLE thing, though...it's crazy..the drunk part is pretty funny, though.

Stream of consciousness (I had to copy and paste this because I couldn't spell it right).

I'm scared of my basement. It scares the hell out of me. When I get to the top of the basement stairs (looking down) all I can imagine is the scene from Home Alone, when Kevin goes to the basement to do laundry, has to psyche himself up, and then the furnace turns into a monster and scares him. The worst part is, our basement isn't even a scary sketch basement...it's got carpet and walls and stuff..like..an extension of our house...FINISHED! That's the word, it's a finished basement. Still scares the shit out of me.

I can't sleep in my bed. I've been home almost a month, and it's nearly impossible for me to sleep at night. I really don't want to say that I'm afraid of the dark (even though now, that's all I can think it is), I just can't sleep. I thought I would be able to sleep a lot better once I had my own room (not even my room, just a room to myself, with out roomie), but I can't sleep. At school, it's a hassle to have to consider someone else's schedule/routine, and I hate it. But now, all I can think of is how much I might need someone else to feel ok.


I really don't want to think that I'm afraid of the dark, for a few reasons,

1) I'm 20 fucking years old
2) I consider myself very independent (in the day light)
3) I've never had this problem before (I've never slept well, but that's because I k keep the hours of a crack whore)
4) I don't have a four at the moment.

Maybe it's just stress from the holidays, and everything. Maybe it's stress from the dread of classes starting soon. Maybe I have something boiling deep down in my head, that I'm too scared to say (ding, ding, ding). No idea.









Wow, I'm in an honest mood.

I think John Mayer is a genius, and as cliche as it sounds, I think his music speaks to me. I just to think that people were stupid when they said that, but I think it's true.
I think that the "shuffle" mode on any music device needs a conscious..I mean..how can you go from Spice Girls to (deja vu, have I written about this before?) Copeland or Brand New? I just thought that I guess you could choose a genre, but that would probably mean going though my entire iTunes and renaming and categorizing everything..and that's not going to happen (although, at school, I have DEF scheduled that for a weekend when I didn't think I had anything to do).
I think that everyone has OCD about something in their lives. And sometimes some people have it worse than others..I have no idea how this works on the gentic/biological (is that really a word) level, but I think it's true. I also think that as I get older, my OCD gets worse. I mean, I'm not touching my door a million times or checking my shoe lace, or counting my steps (ok...not all of them, though), but I do think it's getting worse. I don't do full-blown rituals, but I def. have a routine, and I feel VERY anxious/stresses if I deviate from that routine.
I can't spell definite. I have to spell check it EVERY SINGLE TIME. I'm sure you can imagine my extreme elation when the catch-phrase (am I using that reference correctly?) "Most Def." swept the nation.

Sometimes I wish I had a way of recording my thoughts, and be able to upload them later, it kind of makes me think of, like, when people who are high record their conversations, because they think they cure cancer, or are the most profound being EVEN when they're high. I just wish I could keep track of what I think, what I say, and what I actually thing and say. Very weird typing that last part. I think it only makes sense to me. (THE ANGLE OPENS HER EYES, PALE BLUE COVERED EYES) (That song is playing...and that line sticks out).

I have no idea what started this tonight...I think maybe I convinced my self (above) that I had something on my chest that I needed to get off.

When I was little, I couldn't spell "pizza", I mean, I knew how to spell it, but I thought (and kind of still do) that there should be a "T" in it. Because, when spoken, it sounds like "Pete-za"..anyone else??
I also want to spell legend like "ledge-end" and soldier "solid-ger"

(I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getch, lookout boy 'cause I'm gonna getcha) I love that song

Sometimes I think I'm a comma Nazi (I was just thinking how much I wanted blogger to have grammar check along with spell check, but I just typed Nazi with a lowercase "n", and it had a red line, and it should have been capitalized...but it doesn't always correct my grammar...hum..(and, I know how to spell grammar and kindergarten and when people don't it pisses me offff)

I think that for every year, there should be a song. Like, when I was 16, the Hilary Duff (yes..I LOVED that album and I remember when Taylor would make fun of my for having it in my car) had the song "Sweet Sixteen", and then when I was 17...there was a song, and I can't remember what it was, it was one of those songs by a band one one has probably ever heard of. And then the same with 18, but 19 I had "Nineteen" by whoa...The Old 97s? I'm too lazy to look it up. And now I'm looking for 20, but I already have 21's, it's "21 and Invisible" by Something Corporate.

See? my iTunes just went from "Into the Dark" by Juliana theory (dark) to Jimmy Buffett's "Uncle Jon's Band"...WTF?????

It really annoys me that I can't make text bigger, a different font or color on here anymore...I feel it takes away from the personality of a post.

And if Blogger saves drafts automoaticly...why is the "Save Now" button still on here?

(mom may never understand why baby's come and gone. He left home to find his own. Now all he has are lies)--Juliana Theory

I don't know what want to do with my life, but I know that if I could, I would be some type of music journalist, or historian. I love it..Just like I love how I know the members of new bands and who they used to be with.

I love the movie High Fidelity. I used to not like it, something either I tried to watch it one day when I was sick and hated it, or I saw it one day when I was sick and fell in love with it...either way, I LOVE it now...it's like The Goonies..ANYTIME it's on tv, I HAVE to watch it. I'm afraid to own it, because I would watch it a lot (and it be like Beaches, which I know EVERY LAST LINE of). (I watched I Am Legend tonight..and he knew all of the words to Shrek...it makes me think of that.)Anyway, High Fidelity not only has John Cusack, who I LOVE, but also top 5 lists...which I find myself making more of, now.

I used to think I had an AMAZING memory. And I still remember things (random, stupid things that might not have even happened to me, but to someone else and I was told about it), but I feel like my memory is getting worse. Either I'm not as attentive as I used to be, or my brain's full, or I really just don't know.. But I know that I hate it when someone says they have the memory of an elephant, except when Phil said it one day at lunch...and I have no idea where that came from).

(I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't LET me do! Ohh, I'm gonna find another youuuuu) - John Mayer

I think that Seventy times Seven is the most angry, aka, BEST angry, I hate you, I want to rip your heart out song EVER! It's by Brand New...there's a funny video for it on youtube...I'll try to post it. But the song..wow..that's aggression

I think that's it. I couldn't find the video on youtube, but it was Legos playing out the song...THE FUNNIEST/BEST thing everrr

Bored.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting


Opening Credits:
"Glad" - Tyler Hilton

Waking Up:
"Still Fighting It" - Ben Folds (one of the greatest songs...OF ALL TIME)

First Day At School:
"Take On Me" - Aha

Falling In Love:
"All At Once" - The Fray

Fight Song:
"Space" - Something Corporate

Breaking Up:
"Seventy times seven" - Brand New

Prom:
"Crazy Game of Poker" - OAR

Life:
"Why Georgia" - John Mayer

Mental Breakdown:
"Into the Dark" - Juliana Theory

Driving:
"Don't let the sum go down on me" - Elton John

Flashback:
"Out Loud" - Dispatch/John Mayer

Getting back together:
"Make Damn Sure" - Taking Back Sunday

Wedding:
"Champagne High" - Sister Hazel

Birth of Child:
"Come Original" - 311

Final Battle:
"Testing the Strong Ones" - Copeland

Death Scene:
"Seven Nation Army" - The White Stripes

Funeral Song:
"Daniel" - Howie Day version

End Credits:
"Stop This Train" - John Mayer