ERRRR ARRRGGG OHHHHHHHH
OK, I just needed to do that.
School is ALMOST over. 19 days until we're OUTTA THERE! I wish it was for good, but at the same time, I'm terrified about that the fuck I am supposed to do with the rest of my life.
I was talking to Ash tonight about how I wanted a boyfriend. Just someone to hang out with (and MAKE out with). Do you know what I would give just to have a guy that I liked, like me back.... You know. Come over at watch TV, or go to the movies, or just have someone to talk to, and not feel so left out when all of my friends are talking about their guys (or Sadie's MANY fellas). Ash, forgive me, but sometimes I'm envious of Bessy. At least she has someone... Even if.... well... you know.
I started talking to a friend of mine from ES tonight, we had kinda gotten in a semi-fight last night. He has the ability to make me feel better, but I'm never really sure if it's sincere, because, well .... I don't literally know him. It's complicated ... Just like the rest of my life.
We started talking about him going camping this summer, and all of a sudden we were in a conversation about what we were going to do after high school, and college. And whether or not we were going to have kids, or get married, or live here.
I started crying. I felt it coming yesterday when I was on the phone with Paula and got some disturbing news. And still I felt it coming this afternoon when I was at Sadie's house when she was sitting on Bobby's lap... It just made me feel bad... ya know?
I started crying because this friend has a semi-plan for his life. Well... He knows what he wants to do for the rest of his life. If I even had an inkling I'd be happy. But NO, I'm still on the triple 9 train (undecided).
It was just one of those times when you needed to get it all out. For me, it's been coming for a while, but it came to a head tonight. But I'm glad I talked to him.... But it's till just so confusing.
I want this person to talk to and to hang out with, but I don't know who it is. I want it to be him, but at the same time, he is such a good person to talk to, and he's "talking" to this other girl and that just doesn't make me feel much better. I don't know if I want it to be him, or a person just like him. A nice country boy who can, at times, be an ass, but the next minute can make me feel better (at the absence of Ash).
I wish I had the confidence to go out to him and introduce myself. I wish I could be like Ashley, or Sara. They just can go balls out and get what they want, and I'm the little wallflower, afraid to move, or speak, afraid I will say the wrong thing and screw it up. But at the same time, not knowing if I am strong enough to do it, even if I did have all the confidence in the world.
OK people you've got 8 months 'til Christmas ... And at the top of my list is a few billion jars of self-confidence.... If you tell me where to get it, I'll be there.
A few song quotes I've been dwelling on...

"Sweet like candy to my soul, a sweet you rock, sweet you roll" - Dave Matthews Band

"I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness" - John Mayer

"The same black line that was drawn on you, was drawn on me, and now it's drawin' me in" - The Wallflowers

"I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me. To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new... And the reason is you" - Hoobastank

And the full song "Mona Lisa" by Guster .... I hope you appreciate it...

If in the morning you look up
Fake a smile and you sigh
DonÂ’t fear the future
In the years to come youÂ’ll learn, you'll learn
I used to sit and watch the pouring rain
I used to wish to be back home again
I hadnÂ’t the strength then
I hadnÂ’t the chance to reveal it
But itÂ’s all in your hands
When do we begin?
Although youÂ’re so sad
Discover things never had
It makes you wonder
A life alone youÂ’ll learn, you'll learn,
YouÂ’ll learn
When do we begin?